We say this to people we know and love everyday. And that was it. But what if..... just what if, they aren't fine. How will we know? Do we not owe it to each other to explore the depth of what we are asking and genuinely seek from them a deeper response? If the true answer is that I am not fine, why do I not want to share what I am feeling with the person who cared enough to ask me this question?
"Oh, I don't want to burden them." "They have their own life to deal with and can't help me with mine." "I will deal with it myself." We all need to acknowledge that each one of us is a human being. A flawed vessel. Each of us does not have the totality of answers. Thus it is imperative that reach out to each other when we are in need of help or assistance in our lives. It is even more imperative that we reach out to others, especially those we love and care about and let them know we are here to offer any help we can in areas we may have something another doesn't. To support each other, lift each other up. Even if it appears they do not need our help.
In the past 18 hours, another bright light made the choice to leave this earthly confine we all find ourselves in called life. Her chosen name is Lisa. A name I cherish as the namesake of one of my daughters who spent far too short an amount of time in my family, yet made a lasting impact in my and my families lives. I have watched my large circle of friends I have come to know over the past several years, respond in this new millenniums central gathering point and morn our loss of Lisa as a physical presence. I am bewildered as to how someone who made such a positive, loving impact in so many peoples lives, felt they had nothing left to offer. Not realizing that just by being, by living as a person who finally was showing the world the true person they were on the inside, gave hope to those trying to find that truth inside themselves. That by living she added one more example that it is possible to be a truthful person in our expression to the world. We need more people like this in the world, not less. Unfortunately, whatever pain she internally felt overrode the incredible positiveness she gave out to so many and to our world.
In the past 18 hours I have once again been figuratively struck right across the face with one number, 41. As in 41%. As in 41% of all transgender people either attempt or succeed in suicide. The ultimate act of desperation. Why, oh why? Why, in this blessed group of people, is this such a prevalent act? If anyone is not struck by this I ask you think about that. This is not simply a statistic. This number is representation of us, of people, of society.
I say we as a collective group of people, transgender people, are blessed because of the depth we have to go inside of ourselves to try and understand who we are and what it means to be transgender. We have to go deep inside and come to terms with this aspect of ourselves and love ourselves enough to step out bravely and show the world who we are. Yet it is still incredibly hard to live as a transgender person, even today, even for me. It is essential we have more transgender people being visible, living life, raising our kids, going to work and being productive in society. In this way we can demystify what society sees as different, and thus less of a person. In no way are any of us as transgender people less, in fact in many ways we are more. We need to state that loud and clear everyday. And my hope is that soon we will be looked upon as simply another member of society simply trying to navigate through this world. This incredibly wonderful world.
In a previous message I posted here, Who Saved 2 Billion People, I point out that one simple action can have ripples across the world. We may only see the rock dropping into the depths of the waters, yet the ripples that emanate out from that act can impact hundreds, thousands, millions, and perhaps even billions of others over time. I challenge all of us to realize this fact. Each act we do has ripples, ripples across the fabric of life that impact untold numbers of others. I challenge each of us to ensure the ripples we create are positive ones. That help may be given to only one person, helping them to become whole and true inside themselves. Because that one person can impact billions, or maybe it is you that impacts billions.
To Lisa I say thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for taking those pictures with me. Thank you for talking with me. Thank you for letting your light shine through the pain you felt inside. Thank you for listening to me earlier this year and thus choosing to spend a far to short amount of additional time here with us, shining your light on all of us. Letting your light brighten the darkness of so many still trying to figure out how they can become and live as the real person they were born to be. And Lisa, I am sorry. I am sorry I could not be there across these miles for you like I was earlier this year. I am sorry I took for granted that you had made it through to the other side, where happiness at being a whole person resides.
As I am asked today "Hey How are you?" I can respond, "I am sad, incredibly sad for the physical loss of my friend here on earth. I am mad that we have not made this world a place where it matters not that you are Transgender, or Gay, or Lesbian, or Bisexual, or Queer. I am resolved to work harder for others to make it safe and celebratory to come out. I feel so blessed that I will carry a small part of the light Lisa shined upon me forever in my life." That is how I am. Now, tell me, really tell me truthfully, "How Are You?"
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dammit, lynn ... every picture, every post that has popped up in the past 24 hours has made me sad, made me misty. but this has finally made me cry ... cry out loud. cry for all of us, cry for those who hurt so badly that they feel they have no choice, cry for me alone, a selfish but necessary act.
ReplyDeleteit still seems a strange thing that we can feel such a strong connection to people we may have never physically met, or only met briefly, but the deep deep tie that binds us , as 'outsiders', as perennial searchers for the truths of our own lives, is , for many of us, a stronger bond than we have with the scores of people we've known for years.
the spark of light, of enthusiasm, of gentleness and brave determination shines from some like a lantern in the darkness ... and we gladly, joyfully and willingly gravitate towards that light.
when that light goes out we feel lost, abandoned. but the memory of that light should still burn inside us and keep us peering into the apparent darkness. indeed, it should kindle in us a brighter light of our own.
so sad, but still grateful and happy to have had a peek, a too short view of the beautiful light that poured from Lisa E.
I can't believe how much I really miss my best friend and sister. This is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful Woman, and yes Lisa was a very beautiful woman.
ReplyDeleteI am very sad but her beautiful light will never fade.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Beautiful post. Thank you, Lynn. I didn't know Lisa well, but she touched my life as she did so many others. All the tributes to Lisa are testiment to how she touched us all. RIP Dear!!
ReplyDeleteLynn,
ReplyDeleteThere is so much pain and anguish in my heart as it is for many others who knew Lisa. Yet as I find sleep impossible I think how selfish my sadness is. Truly the ones who suffer most now are Lisa's spouse Sandy and Lisa's children. Not to mention what Lisa must have been going through to feel this was the best choice.
Lisa and I met only a few times at social events and never found enough time to talk being surrounded by much that was going on around us. We always planned to spend more time but at least we had some detailed, thoughtful personal correspondence. She once at dinner briefly mentioned a bit of what she and Sandy were going through as I mentioned about how my spouse and I were trying to maintain our marriage and that we were engaged in therapy.
I was prompted to write her again after reading something she posted in one of her notes that struck me as a bit off kilter. I put it off a few days and now I will never have the chance.
She seemed to have a zest and desire to be the best she could be in all aspects of her life be it as a woman, a spouse, a parent, a business owner, a friend, a listener, an advisor and facebook provocateur. From what I know she did all those superbly with style and flair.
Perhaps it was incumbent on us, me, someone to tell her to slow down, relax and that we would love her no matter what. Perhaps she wanted to give more but couldn't. I know the stress and pain of being that "other woman" that is stealing the guy my spouse married. It is a massive internal tug-of-war. That Lisa died presenting as Tom must indicate something but I would find it impossible to venture any guess of an answer.
Maybe she found it impossible to be both who she was and who here wife married. And that is an impossible task where no one can successfully integrate both lives and the result is a disintegration of the person. (Did I just venture a guess? ...can't help but think about what she was going through.)
Its 4AM and I cannot sleep. Please forgive my rambling comments.
Those of us that knew Lisa will never forget the joy she gave us. We feel the ache of her loss.
There are so many of us who suffer; many have attempted suicide and most of us are regarded with prejudice. As I ponder all this I realize I must turn my 'hurt' into help.
As we give to others joy will replace sadness.
That would make Lisa very happy.
All my best,
Reena